DEARMAN

🧩 What is DEAR MAN?

DEAR MAN is an acronym used in the Interpersonal Effectiveness module of DBT. It helps you assert yourself effectively—whether you're asking for something, saying no, or setting a boundary—without damaging relationships or self-respect.

It's especially useful for people who:

• Avoid conflict

• Struggle with people-pleasing

• Get overwhelmed in emotional situations

• Feel they aren’t heard

🔠 Breakdown of DEAR MAN

Letter	What It Stands For	What It Means
D	Describe	Clearly and briefly describe the situation using facts only
E	Express	State your feelings and opinions about the situation
A	Assert	Ask for what you want or say no clearly and confidently
R	Reinforce	Reward the person (or explain the benefit) for responding positively
M	Mindful	Stay focused on your goal, avoid distractions or getting sidetracked
A	Appear confident	Maintain eye contact, calm tone, steady body language
N	Negotiate	Be willing to compromise or offer alternatives if needed

🔧 Simple Example

Let’s say you want your roommate to stop playing loud music late at night.

Describe: "Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve been playing music past midnight the last few nights." Express: "It’s been really hard for me to sleep and I feel exhausted the next day." Assert: "I need you to keep the volume down after 10 PM." Reinforce: "That way we both get good rest and won’t be grumpy in the morning." Mindful: (If they start deflecting—“You’re always on my case!”—you bring it back) "I hear that, but this is about the volume and my sleep." Appear Confident: (Steady voice, upright posture, calm tone) Negotiate: "If you really want to listen to music late, maybe you could use headphones?"

✍️ DEAR MAN Practice Exercise

Here’s a simple exercise to try:

📝 Scenario:

You lent your friend a book a month ago. They haven’t returned it, and you want it back.

Step-by-step:

1. Describe the situation using facts only.

   • "You borrowed my book ‘Atomic Habits’ about a month ago."

2. Express how you feel.

   • "I’m feeling kind of anxious because I haven’t gotten it back yet and I want to re-read it."

3. Assert what you want.

   • "I’d like to have it back by the end of this week."

4. Reinforce with a benefit or reason.

   • "That way I can get a head start on my new project, and you won’t have to worry about it anymore."

5. Mindful: If they try to change the topic or guilt-trip you, bring the focus back:

   • "I understand you’ve been busy, but I still need the book back."

6. Appear Confident:

   • Practice in front of a mirror: calm tone, eye contact, steady body language

7. Negotiate:

   • "If this week is too soon, could you drop it off sometime next week instead?"

🧠 Pro Tip: Practice in Low-Stakes Situations

Start using DEAR MAN in small, everyday asks, like:

• Asking for a deadline extension

• Choosing where to eat with friends

• Saying no to plans you're not up for

This builds your confidence for tougher conversations.